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Repost: 5 Myths of Open Adoption

April 29, 2019 By Susan VanSyckle

In my work as an?adoption consultant, one of the most common questions I get (from hopeful adoptive families and others who are curious about how it all works) is about openness in adoption. I’ve shared a lot in writing about openness, including?tips for a healthy open adoption?and a?series on navigating openness. Today I thought I would repost some helpful thoughts dispelling common myths about open adoption.

I’ve found there is an air of mystery surrounding open adoption and a lot of questions from my adoptive families first beginning to contemplate adoption and what will be a good fit for them.

What will our relationship with the birth family look like in the years to come?

What kind of contact will we with have with the birth mother?

Will the birth father overstep his role?

Is openness even good or healthy for our child?

For adoptive families, it’s critical to wrestle with these questions early on in the adoption process and understand the benefits and challenges to open adoption.

Openness in adoption describes the relationship between the adoptive family and birth family. Years ago, closed adoption was the only option. Pregnancy outside of marriage was looked at much differently and a woman was expected to make a secretive adoption plan. A closed adoption ensured she wouldn’t shame herself and her family and allowed the adoptive family to avoid admitting publicly that they had fertility issues.

 

Closed adoptions led to a lot of problems. Children who didn’t know their stories. Birth families who had no idea if their children were loved and well cared for. Adoptive families left with gaping holes in their child’s medical history.

Now we know that some level of openness benefits everyone involved in the adoption triad (the adopted child, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents). But there are still many popular myths that are still believed, even after the research has shown how positive openness can be. Many of these myths come from the media that exploit the rare negative experiences or Lifetime movie dramas.

So today we’re busting the myths about open adoption. Here are the top 5 I hear often:

  1. Open adoption is co-parenting

Some people assume that with open adoption comes co-parenting with the birth family: sharing parental responsibilities and decisions and even custody or time. When an adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents become the legal parents of the child. A new birth certificate is issued with their names listed as parents. That means that all of the decisions, custody, and rights lie solely with the adoptive parents, even if the birth family disagrees with these decisions. A better way to look at open adoption is co-loving the child rather than co-parenting.

  1. Having an open relationship with the birth family is risky since they might change their mind and decide to parent

Not only is a new birth certificate issued at the time of finalization, but at that time the adoption is also irrevocable. This means that when the birth parents make an adoption plan, sign consent forms, and the adoption is finalized by a judge, it is final; the child is forever a part of that family. This is one reason it’s critical to have adoption professionals (like a consultant, agency, and attorney) who know what they’re doing walk beside you to ensure all of the necessary legal steps are taken. Once an adoption is finalized, even if a birth parent changes their mind, the adoption can not be overturned.

  1. In open adoption, birth parents regret their decision

The assumption is that if a birth parent sees their child growing up they will change their mind. Actually, open adoptions often have the exact opposite effect. A birth parent can see firsthand that their child is loved and well cared for. Instead of wondering if they made the right decision, they are able to witness firsthand the blessing their decision has been to a family and have confirmation that it really was the best choice for their child.

  1. Open adoption only benefits the birth family

Not only does a birth family get the assurance that they made the right decision, but the benefits of openness also extend to the child and the birth family. The child knows their birth story, has a healthy sense of identity, and has the assurance of their birth parents love firsthand. The adoptive family is able to be aware of medical and social issues in real time, not just from a form that was completed during the pregnancy. And the entire adoption triad serves as a sort of beautiful extended family for everyone involved.

  1. There are no boundaries in open adoption?

Just like all relationships we have in life, boundaries are good and healthy to have. I have yet to hear of a birth mother who shows up on a doorstep unexpectedly. More often birth mothers are hesitant because they don’t want to encroach on the family she has chosen to help create. As in relationships with grandparents, extended family members, and friends, healthy boundaries are?necessary?and include open communication, clear expectations, and seasons that are closer than others.

By no means do I want to communicate there is a one-size-fits-all method to pursuing open adoption and what is best for each family. Openness is on a spectrum and is unique to every family (birth and adoptive). Finding the right fit is to be prayerfully considered and can change throughout the adoption process and the child’s lifetime.

It’s also worthwhile to note that these decisions are harder to make with a nameless, faceless couple who are future birth parents. I’ve often found that once an adoptive family and birth family meet and the process of getting to know each other happens organically, much of the fears subside. When a true relationship is formed, bonds are created, and the best interests of a shared child is a mutual goal, openness can create a beautiful story for everyone involved.

For more on this topic, check out this post:?Open Adoption [A Mini-Tutorial]

Want more adoption [mini] tutorials??Click?here?for?more?resources!

Related Posts

  • Adoption Story: Chad and JenniferAdoption Story: Chad and Jennifer
  • Adoption Story: Richard and KimberlyAdoption Story: Richard and Kimberly
  • Adoption Story: Heather and MattAdoption Story: Heather and Matt
  • Adoption Story: Lynn + Melissa

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Tonight CAC Adoption Advocate and Birth Mother, Lo Tonight CAC Adoption Advocate and Birth Mother, Lori, shares a beautiful poem entitled, "Trees." @shabbysnap 
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𝐓𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐬⁣⁣
𝘉𝘺 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘪 𝘋𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘤𝘩⁣⁣
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Funny how long they live⁣
Sending branches upward in heaves⁣
Reminding us of how we ought to be⁣
Relying on strength and agility⁣
In storms that swirl and pound and break⁣
Outward limbs, sometimes shake⁣
Seasons show upon their face⁣
Animals take rest in the shade⁣
Breath we take, exhaled for granted ⁣
Fruit they give freely, always enchanted ⁣
Though they watch and keep an eye⁣
On our life, just standing by⁣
Supplies provided, home to dwell⁣
Glory scattered in fall’s carnival⁣
Outlast, but never giving in⁣
Carrying us to the grave again⁣
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"The trees of the Lord are well watered, the cedars of Lebanon that he planted. There the birds make their nests; the stork has its home in the junipers'' (Psalm 104:16-17).⁣⁣
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"Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her; those who hold her fast will be blessed. By wisdom the Lord laid the earth’s foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place" (Proverbs 3:17-19).⁣⁣
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#CACadoption #christianadoptionconsultants #lovemakesafamily #adoptionbuiltus #domesticadoption #adoption  #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #adoptionconsultant #adoptionstories #adoptionislove  #adoptiveparent #adoptiontriad #bettertogether #adoptioncommunity #domesticinfantadoption #adoptionishard #adoptioneducation #openadoption⁣⁣
This afternoon we have another adoption story over This afternoon we have another adoption story over on our blog. We pray it will be an encouragement to you wherever you are in your journey! "Did we hear God wrong? It's easy to second guess your adoption plans when you're in the middle of the process; in the trenches of the wait. Sometimes even easy to second guess your faith and your ability to clearly hear God's call. But I've learned that God is always at work, even when we can't see it. Chris and Jen had these questions and decided to give up their plans for growing their family through adoption. And that's exactly the time they received a call about their son. Today Jen shares the questions, and the answers, that led them to their family of two growing to three." - CAC Adoption Consultants Susan @svansyckle ⁣
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*To continue reading click on the link in our bio*⁣
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#CACadoption #christianadoptionconsultants #lovemakesafamily #adoptionbuiltus #domesticadoption #adoption  #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #adoptionconsultant #adoptionstories #adoptionislove  #adoptiveparent #adoptiontriad #bettertogether #adoptioncommunity #domesticinfantadoption #adoptionishard #adoptioneducation #openadoption
"Expectations. They can kind of make us or break u "Expectations. They can kind of make us or break us, can’t they? As I’ve walked with many people through their adoption journeys, I’ve seen families crushed by unrealistic expectations and I’ve seen families beautifully hope in God as they’ve surrendered their expectations to Him. So what does it look like to have reasonable expectations during your adoption and specifically as you work with an adoption consultant at Christian Adoption Consultants? What does it look like for adoption expectations to 'make you' rather than 'break you?'" -CAC Adoption Consultant Katie F. @katiefenska ⁣
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***Click on the link in our bio to continue reading about adoption expectations***⁣
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#CACadoption #christianadoptionconsultants #lovemakesafamily #adoptionbuiltus #domesticadoption #adoption  #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #adoptionconsultant #adoptionstories #adoptionislove  #adoptiveparent #adoptiontriad #bettertogether #adoptioncommunity #domesticinfantadoption #adoptionishard #adoptioneducation #openadoption
We have another adoption story on the blog this ev We have another adoption story on the blog this evening! "It was an honor to walk with Jamey and Sydnee through their adoption journey. When we first connected I remember Sydnee opening up about their long journey through infertility and loss. She shared her heart and about the journey that led them to this specific place and time. She also shared some of their fears with me about the adoption process, one of them being too old' to be desirable to an expectant mother. As she was talking I remember thinking to myself, 'I'm so glad that God connected my path to these amazing people and I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for them.' Their journey through the adoption process wasn't easy, but that same journey, the one with ups and downs, the one with disappointment, the one with waiting, led them to their daughter and I know they wouldn't change a thing about it. Jamey and Sydnee, thank you for allowing me to walk with you through the adoption process. I am beyond amazed at the story God wrote for your family! Today Sydnee shares that story..." -CAC Adoption Consultant Kelly @kellybethtodd⁣
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#CACadoption #christianadoptionconsultants #lovemakesafamily #adoptionbuiltus #domesticadoption #adoption  #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #adoptionconsultant #adoptionstories #adoptionislove  #adoptiveparent #adoptiontriad #bettertogether #adoptioncommunity #domesticinfantadoption #adoptionishard #adoptioneducation #openadoption
Tonight CAC Adoption Advocate and Birth Mother, Lo Tonight CAC Adoption Advocate and Birth Mother, Lori, shares a poem entitled, “Knowing.” We pray her words would help your heart reflect on this truth: “He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'” (Psalm 46:10)⁣⁣
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𝐊𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠⁣⁣
𝘣𝘺 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘪 𝘋𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘤𝘩 @shabbysnap⁣⁣
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In the stillness⁣⁣
I hear His voice⁣⁣
In in the quiet⁣⁣
I feel His comfort⁣⁣
In the silence⁣⁣
I sense His presence⁣⁣
In the wind⁣⁣
I’m in awe of His power⁣⁣
In my children⁣⁣
I’m amazed with His face⁣⁣
In the mirror⁣⁣
I’m humbled by His grace⁣⁣
In the hum of silence⁣⁣
I know Him⁣⁣
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#CACadoption #christianadoptionconsultants #lovemakesafamily #adoptionbuiltus #domesticadoption #adoption  #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #adoptionconsultant #adoptionstories #adoptionislove  #adoptiveparent #adoptiontriad #bettertogether #adoptioncommunity #domesticinfantadoption #adoptionishard #adoptioneducation #openadoption
We pray you had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy We pray you had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year! We thought there is no better way to start off the year than with an adoption story! ⁣
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"Sometimes when God asks for your 'yes,' he only gives you the very next step. For Seth and Brittany, they took the next right step the entire time, even when they didn’t know exactly where they were headed. Home study, done. Find Christian Adoption Consultants, done. Begin seeing situations…present to expectant families…raise finances for the next phase…⁣
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Every step a new challenge. And every step a new space to trust God with their future and their family. Today I’m so thankful for Brittany who shares the details of their story in such a way to encourage other families who might feel hesitant taking the next step God is calling them to take." -CAC Adoption Consultant Susan⁣ @svansyckle 
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***To continue reading click on the link in our bio***⁣
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#CACadoption #christianadoptionconsultants #lovemakesafamily #adoptionbuiltus #domesticadoption #adoption  #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #adoptionconsultant #adoptionstories #adoptionislove  #adoptiveparent #adoptiontriad #bettertogether #adoptioncommunity #domesticinfantadoption #adoptionishard #adoptioneducation #openadoption
Our team is so grateful for each and every one of Our team is so grateful for each and every one of our CAC families! We pray that wherever you are and whoever you're with, you would remember there is always a reason to celebrate on Christmas, regardless of how your situation may look. "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6). As you reflect upon our Savior's birth this Christmas, it's our hope and prayer that the Wonderful Counselor would comfort you with His peace. From the team at CAC, we would like to wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 

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#CACadoption #christianadoptionconsultants #lovemakesafamily #adoptionbuiltus #domesticadoption #adoption  #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #adoptionconsultant #adoptionstories #adoptionislove  #adoptiveparent #adoptiontriad #bettertogether #adoptioncommunity #domesticinfantadoption #adoptionishard #adoptioneducation #openadoption
We have another adoption story on the blog this ev We have another adoption story on the blog this evening! "When a young couple talks about the idea of adoption while they're still dating, they don't know yet how God will use those stirrings to someday add a little one to their family. Today Chris shares from a father's heart the story of the adoption of their son." -CAC Adoption Consultant Susan @svansyckle⁣
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***To continue reading click on the link in our bio or swipe up in our stories***⁣
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#CACadoption #christianadoptionconsultants #lovemakesafamily #adoptionbuiltus #domesticadoption #adoption  #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #adoptionconsultant #adoptionstories #adoptionislove  #adoptiveparent #adoptiontriad #bettertogether #adoptioncommunity #domesticinfantadoption #adoptionishard #adoptioneducation #openadoption
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