Gatekeeping Your Child’s Story Begins at Waiting

As hopeful adoptive families, it can be easy to share parts of your adoption journey, including the parameters of openness and the type of child you are hoping to adopt. It can also be helpful to invite others into your story as you consider presenting to certain situations. You may ask for prayer about a situation as you learn about an expecting mother. You are very likely experiencing a range of emotions from concern to hope to grief as you wait to hear if you were matched. Today I want to challenge you about what is important to keep the details private as you wait.

It is of utmost importance that you, as parents, are gatekeeping your child’s story. Really, this starts with what you are open to as you present to cases. You should not tell family or friends about situations you are presenting to, especially because this is someone else’s story for now. Most agencies express confidentiality as you are given access to some social history or information about the birth family. Regardless of the explicit or implied instructions, some families want to include their prayer circles as they present to a prospective match. You should not ever share names, photos or circumstances of why a person is considering placing their baby for adoption. You should not share information about a child’s prenatal drug and alcohol exposure or the life circumstances of the birth family. This information should never be posted on any social media websites. 

If you are chosen for a match, you should continue to safeguard the information about the pregnancy and match. Not all matches end in placements, and although it is good to invite others to pray for us and support us in the adoption process, sharing confidential details is not appropriate. 

Let’s think ahead to your future placement and raising your adopted child. Imagine what your child will want to be the first to know about their story, and keep that very close. In my own family, my husband and I and our social workers are the only ones, to this day, that know the full extent of our son’s story as we wait for our son to have the developmental capacity to understand the challenges of his story. We decided that it was easier to decide on a very tight circle than deciding who was in and who was out. You cannot control how your mom or sister share something that may seem insignificant to them but it is precious to your child. We will model this for our children until they know the full details of their story. 

Gatekeeping is not about shame or disgrace of their story, but protection and privacy. You might not want others to speculate if a behavior is related to prenatal drug or alcohol exposure or lack of consistent prenatal care. You will want to have control of how your child learns intimate parts of their story in age-appropriate ways according to their emotional development. Gatekeeping from the start of their story will help the parents take the lead on the many complicated and beautiful conversations that will allow you to gain trust and enter into a deeper relationship with your child. God gives us wisdom (James 1:5) and we can trust the Lord to help us know when to talk and when to keep things quiet. We always have an Advocate, our Heavenly Father, to give us counsel through prayer and intimate relationship with Him. If you have questions about what details should be a part of your gatekeeping boundaries, don’t hesitate to reach out to your Adoption Consultant or Social Worker.