From A Birth Mother: Dear Hopeful Adoptive Father (Part 1)

With Father’s Day just around the corner, we will be spending the rest of the month focusing on fatherhood and perspectives on adoption from those sometimes overlooked-the men. To start us off, CAC Adoption Advocate and Birth Mother, Lori, wrote a letter. We pray it would be an encouragement to all of the Hopeful Adoptive Fathers out there.

Dear Hopeful Adoptive Father,
(Part 1: One of many scenarios)

Your voice matters to me. While I know typically it’s your spouse who takes the lead on all things kid or pregnancy related, I feel you need to know this truth.

I wasn’t told that I was pretty, that I mattered, that I could achieve anything I set my mind to.  I was touched inappropriately by male(s) that  mattered in my life. I was made to feel like I wasn’t a person, rather an object to use and discard. I was judged by my appearance and made to feel inadequate compared to others. I have not known a God that would really love me unconditionally, who wouldn’t hurt or punish me for the things I’ve done—and may still do.  

I felt trapped, alone, unworthy, uneducated, unsupported, unstable, unlovable and unloved.  I was slighted by a guy I thought cared about me. But he only wanted to consume yet another part of my soul to leave me withered and discarded. 

And now I’m carrying a life, a child who I hope will be better than me. Just the mere fact that she/he is growing makes me feel a little bit optimistic—though I know I’m ill-equipped to parent. Mentally and financially, I’m spent. I don’t know why, but right now,  I feel like I’m creating and participating in something far better than myself. It feels like a small slice of joy to feel this child growing inside me. I don’t feel chosen by anyone, but in a strange way, I feel empowered with the potential of what this life could mean. 

People view me and see my pregnancy, which makes me feel powerful and important for the first time in my life, but also sad, suicidal and worthless because I slip back into remembering my unfortunate reality. 

I chose adoption for my baby so I can ride this euphoria for as long as possible. And that is where our worlds collide. You see, when I read your family profile book, I heard words I thought were from a one dimensional perspective, I saw curated sentences from an “us” viewpoint—but I didn’t hear you. 

I wonder if you are like the other men I’ve known before. I wonder if you’ll leave, never spend time with your family, or even worse, find another wife/life. Or, do you really mean what you say about a potential relationship with me? Do you actually love your family and this God you speak of?

Like I’ve said before, I’ve never known God, but I hear that some people say that dads on earth are bit of a glimpse of our Heavenly Father. I’ve also heard that there are some dads that aren’t afraid to cry, hug, hold their loved ones or speak encouragingly. I don’t know what that’s like, but I want my child to know it more than I’ve wanted anything in my entire life. 

And so I choose you.  
And I can’t wait to meet you. 

I know you’ll want to know if I’ve been taking care of this child. The answer is, I’ve never cared for myself the way I’m caring for this baby. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying the best I’ve been taught. There are easy ways for me to have been done with this journey and yet I’ve *not* chosen those paths. Some of my friends have and they tell me they are still sad about it. I don’t know what is right or wrong, but I know what I’m feeling in my heart. 

Maybe you’ll want to know the baby names I’ve picked out, the foods I love, the poems I write and the places I hope to travel. I’d love to go back to school one day, ya know. This pregnancy kinda kicked me off the tracks of life, but I wonder if you’ll even care. 

Will you be the kind of guy that gives me good advice, looks out for my best interest and prays for me all the time? I know you’ll see my reflection in the face of my child and I hope that brings you joy. Will you speak highly of me and my family at your dinner table? 

Someone told me that sometimes, your child’s adoptive father feels a little like your own. I hope and pray that is true! I do know that by loving my precious child, you are loving me. Just thinking about that makes me already feel loved and a bit more worthy.

So I wish you the happiest Father’s Day because you deserve to be celebrated, you need to speak your heart and show the love that I’ve only heard about through others. Be specific about how and what you’re going to plan, okay? I can’t wait.