Cocooning and Attachment in Early Placement

Cocooning is another adoption buzz word, which describes a very intensive care season, in which the adoptive parents are not only the primary caregivers, but the only ones to hold, feed, change, touch, rock and play with the baby. In this season, adoptive parents greatly limit introducing new people (even family), and won’t be leaving the house much. Some agencies suggest this time frame being between 6 weeks and 3 months, although I have heard some families have just continually re-evaluated where their kids are at each mark and some kids have needed longer time to cocoon. You can also “reenter” the cocoon as needed, if you notice changes in your child’s sleep patterns or fussiness as you try new things. 

Some families use the ICPC waiting time to “cocoon” while others wait until they are ready for their child to begin daycare or an outside caregiver after their maternity leave/paternity leave has finished. There’s not a set timeline for this, but this is a perspective shift on how you can begin your foundation for your home with your new baby. 

The cocooning process allows the children to understand that mom and dad will meet their needs. It allows the children to be acclimated to the new environment with minimal overstimulation. You have to remember that adoption begins with loss – and that your adopted child will be used to different sounds, tastes and environment that was present in utero. Even receiving placement of a child hours after they are born would incur loss for this baby. 

My husband and I adopted our first child in 2012, and our son Israel needed to greatly adjust to life in our home from his previous care. We wrestled with what we learned to be best for him and the expectations of others. We knew it may seem harsh to not pass your child around, or bring him to church for the first few months, or allow others (even family) to hold and kiss him, but we knew that the best interest of the child is for him to know that mom and dad are the ones who give affection and care for him most. Eventually, when Israel was ready, those things did come. But for the first few months especially, we had to put the best interest of our son above the feelings of others. 

How Do You Know if It’s Working?

The great thing about adoption is that “little” things are BIG milestones! Just like with all newborn babies, you are making deposits into their brain development every time that you change a diaper, rock to sleep or give a bottle. Infant baby massage and bath time are healing agents as we focus on connected touch and meeting needs consistently. You may not know the fruit of your cocooning until much later, but I promise that you will not regret safeguarding your child’s affections for the first few weeks of their life. 

Some of these payoffs of cocooning and attachment include looking to the caregivers for affirmation or comfort, showing all emotions, not just joy or sadness. Your child should know that mom and dad acknowledge his/her emotions and value them; our love does not depend on behavior.

Being inside the cocoon allows adoptive parents to give undivided attention to a child so you can learn how to shape his schedule, what the child’s needs are and how to provide the baby with the security he/she needs. An intensive season of cocooning can allow for quicker bonding and attachment – for your child’s sake but also the adoptive parents! 

Cocooning may call for some adjustments in the way you operate for a few weeks. One parent may go grocery shopping while the other stays home with the baby, or you might utilize babywearing instead of a car seat while at the store. You may want to rock your child to sleep first, and then hand the baby off to grandparents to enjoy the snuggles, so that you are the caregiver in charge of sleep needs! 

Cocooning is time-limited, and you can adjust as you go. It is much easier to draw your circle and have these conversations about boundaries prior to bringing a child home. In a month or two you will have a foundation of attachment and be ready to slowly introduce your child to the many people who love him/her and are going to be a lifelong part of their story as well. It’s important for adoptive parents to set healthy boundaries for themselves, practice self-care and reach out to your support system as you need it!

Grandparent Perspective: 

After experiencing five births of previous grandchildren, I must say our experience with cocooning was quite different. We had been told about cocooning before our grandson, Israel, arrived. We agreed to abide by our daughter and son-in-law’s wishes to not come and visit at first. This in itself was hard as we had waited two long years for Israel. 

We were able to see Israel when he arrived at the airport. When we were later allowed to visit with them, we were told that we were not allowed to reach for him, kiss him, hold him, feed him or love on him as the parents needed to build a special bond with our grandson. Israel needed to look to his parents to meet his needs. This was hard for me because I love being a “hands on” grandparent.

My daughter shared with us that healing needed to take place in Israel’s little heart. He was left at an orphanage and then taken from there to his new home. My daughter carried eight month old Israel in an “ergo” baby carrier for hours at a time. I feared her own health would break because she had so little time to rest. 

Was this hard on grandparents? Yes! I wanted to help my daughter. It seemed unnatural to keep my distance from my grandchild. I wanted to lavish love on him. But the result has been remarkable. Today, Israel is the sweetest, happiest, most well adjusted little fellow. I am sure this time of cocooning instilled in him a sense of love and security he needed. There is a sacrifice that comes with cocooning to all involved, but it is well worth it.