Over the past few days Birth Mother and CAC Adoption Advocate, Lori, has been sharing a Birth Mother Series, entitled, “Are You Loving Well?” Today she is sharing the final post from the series. If you missed Part 1 and Part 2 be sure to check those out! You don’t want to miss it! Lori is an extraordinary writer and we are so blessed to have her on our team! These posts are for hopeful adoptive parents at any stage in their journey and adoptive parents who have already brought their child home. We pray that Lori’s words will cause you to pause, think and love well.
Have you ever worried that you’ll say the wrong thing to a birth parent? Have you refrained from saying anything for fear that you’d jeopardize the relationship or the outcome of a situation? Have you asked valuable and pertinent questions to see the other side of the triad?
Below is a list of questions that mostly begin with the word “DO” for a reason. These should ignite action in your spirit and your physical realm as you wait prayerfully to co-labor in an adoption relationship granted by God.
As you navigate this process, this new territory, seek openness, vulnerability, honest communication and abundant love that binds families for the long haul. We won’t regret loving, giving a gift, travel, affection, education, a relationship with God, or the quality time we spent with others on this gorgeous journey called life.
“Give God the right to direct your life, and as you trust him along the way you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly.” Psalms 37:5 TPT
“Once your life was full of sin’s darkness, but now you have the very light of our Lord shining through you because of your union with him. Your mission is to live as children flooded with his revelation-light!” Ephesians 5:8 TPT
Part 3: Missional
- Do you recognize that she may not have an earthly father to love her
unconditionally and that an adoptive father can sometimes semi-fill that space?
- Do you treat your adoption triad as your local mission field?
- Do you speak in “WHAT IF” and “OH WELL” that may elude to doubt, pessimism or
- Do you tell her she is worthy, valued and loved?
- Do you tell her that she’s prayed for?
- Do you think about how you will need to answer to your child later on?
- Do you realize the positive, Godly impact you may have on a birth parent in crisis?
- Do you keep her story private for the sake of the child and his/her health?
- Do you realize that the stable, strong, faithful male voice is often missing in a birth
parent’s life and the dad-to-be will need to make connections with the birth parent as
well. One parent can’t do all the heavy emotional lifting.
- Do you understand that adoption is like playing on a team that strives for excellence,
respect, love, thoughtfulness and lifelong commitment? The teammates cannot quit because ALL children of God deserve overwhelming, never ending, reckless love.
Our interactions can be our mission here on earth and have heavenly implications. Being a missionary isn’t only traveling to serve in another country, volunteering for nonprofits in various cities or even writing that check to the organization that has been helping those in crisis for years. These actions are good, but as Christians, we are called to the mission field before us in all aspects of our life. If we look for ways to be Jesus, and choose to do, say, be by rolling up your sleeves of dormancy or inactivity, we can bring heaven to earth a whole lot quicker. It is a big job that requires participation by all of us.
As a birth mother who has placed and has parented two girls through adulthood, the benefits of asking these questions are apparent to me. Every difficult situation that causes us to squirm, cry out to God or press into our faith a bit more is a space where dramatic change can occur. Asking questions often unearths fear, anxiety, doubt or previous pain. Answering honestly, privately and with your spouse will bring the truest issues into the light, but also invites God to garden the responses with His wisdom and truth.
Overall, most people mean well—they do—and their prayers of support and concern are more than welcome. However, only you and your husband—with the guidance of adoption professionals and your Heavenly Father—can navigate these sensitive zones. Unity is messy, unlike lighting that unity candle in your wedding, but it is always worth every difficult conversation, tear shed or boundary you place around the sacredness of starting or expanding your family.
Trust that He will do this work in you. Release the informational overload. Allow Him to fill you.