Attachment & Cocooning in Adoption

Rebekah McGee is a master licensed social worker and adoptive parent. Rebekah and her husband adopted their first child, Israel, in 2012. Rebekah has worked in the adoption profession for 10+ years, conducting home studies, counseling expectant families, and providing valuable pre and post adoption support. Her professional experience includes speaking on National Public Radio about adoption, presenting at national Adoption Conferences, and teaching social work at the University of Alabama. 

Attachment

Adoption Parenting defines attachment as “a close, trusting tie between two people; or in particular, as the reciprocal relationship between an infant and her primary caregiver… Healthy attachment occurs when the infant experiences her caregiver as consistently providing emotional essentials such as touch, movement, eye contact, and smiles, as well as the basic necessities such as food and shelter” (p.43).

Attachment, which is a big buzzword in the adoption community, is the connection that the child has with the parent, in which the child completely trusts the parents and allows the parents to meet the needs of the child. This is typically a natural process for biological children, but adopted children (even a child adopted on day one in the hospital) have already experienced some major losses that can interfere with the attachment process.

Loss

If you’ve had a biological child, think about it this way: from the moment you found out you were pregnant, you likely had positive emotional feelings towards your child. For 40ish weeks of pregnancy, you took extra care of your body, talked to the baby, anticipated his/her arrival, etc. When the baby was born, you took care of his/her needs immediately – feeding, changing, bathing, etc. Every time the baby cried you were probably there to meet its needs. From the beginning (conception) the baby knew that you loved it and even after birth, you met the needs the baby had.

Now let’s think about children who may have been a result of an unplanned pregnancy. In some cases, the events of conception could be traumatic or the discovery of pregnancy could result in shame, abuse, and fear. The 40ish weeks of pregnancy could be very challenging instead of peaceful and joy-filled. Some birth parents are experiencing addiction, food insecurity, housing disruption, or inconsistent medical care. Even in an ideal pregnancy situation, a child placed for adoption experiences the loss of birth mother’s voice, foods, sounds, etc. In the future, the child will reconcile the loss of birth culture, home, and identity.

Identifying these losses will not only allow us to be compassionate towards our kids, but also understand why we have to rebuild trust and lay a strong foundation from the start.

How Loss Affects Attachment

Children who have experienced great loss can deal with several emotions and react in different ways. In Adoption Parenting, these emotions are listed as loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, mastery/control, identity and intimacy (p.7). If these emotions are not processed correctly (with the caregivers) then internal reactions occur. The way the parents help the children heal and meet the child’s needs affects the attachment that they have.

There is a lot of research about how to embark on the healing process for kids. The first thing to understand is that it takes TIME. This can’t be done in three months; this is a lifelong process. Some things occur very quickly, and some slowly. We have to build trust with our children and help them know their parents will meet their needs and become familiar.

Cocooning

It is generally recommended to experience a time of “cocooning” after placement. Cocooning is another adoption buzzword, which describes a very intensive care season, in which mom and dad are not only the primary caregivers, but are also the only ones to hold, feed, change, touch, rock, and play with the baby. It is recommended to limit introductions to the outside world, including extended family and also where you are going outside of the home. This time frame can be between several weeks to several months, although some families continually re-evaluate where their kids are at each mark and some kids have needed longer time to cocoon.

The cocooning process allows the children to understand that mom and dad will meet their needs. It allows the children to be acclimated to the new environment with minimal overstimulation. Some families utilize the time waiting for ICPC to have a “cocooning” season, and then have a small re-entry period when they return home where there are limited interactions with a small group of close friends and family. 

Cocooning may be a season where the parents are the primary caregivers meeting basic needs (bottle feeding, diaper changing, and rocking to sleep), and grandparents, siblings and other close family members can hold the baby once he/she is asleep or in a position where mom and dad are visible. Babywearing when in public at church, shopping, or the ballpark with your other children is a great option to remain close and focus on bonding! There is not a set regulation or recommendation on cocooning, it is just a season of intensive bonding with your child at the beginning of your relationship.

How Do You Know If It’s Working?

Signs of progress include when our adopted children cry or acknowledge that they have a need because it means they know that we will meet his/her needs. Focusing on bonding and attachment is a two-way process. Not only are you allowing your child to learn about you, but you are also focusing on your new child and growing your heart for him/her! You may not know the deposits that this season is making while your children are infants, but the payoff is great as your children grow older and delight in a secure relationship with their family.

Grandparent Perspective (Written by Karen Scoggins, mom of Rebekah McGee)

“After experiencing five births of previous grandchildren, I must say our experience with cocooning was quite different. We had been told about cocooning before our grandson, Israel, arrived. We agreed to abide by our daughter and son-in-law’s wishes to not come and visit at first. This in itself was hard as we had waited two long years for Israel. 

We were able to see Israel when he arrived at the airport. When we were later allowed to visit with them, we were told that we were not allowed to reach for him, kiss him, hold him, feed him, or love on him as the parents needed to build a special bond with our grandson. Israel needed to look to his parents to meet his needs. This was hard for me because I love being a “hands-on” grandparent.

My daughter shared with us that healing needed to take place in Israel’s little heart. My daughter carried Israel in a baby carrier for hours at a time. I feared her own health would break because she had so little time to rest. 

Was this hard on the grandparents? Yes! I wanted to help my daughter. It seemed unnatural to keep my distance from my grandchild. I wanted to lavish love on him. But the result has been remarkable. Today, Israel is the sweetest, happiest, most well-adjusted little fellow. I am sure this time of cocooning instilled in him a sense of love and security he needed. There is a sacrifice that comes with cocooning to all involved, but it is well worth it.”