Our story is full of God moments and it is beautiful to us because it’s the story that carried our boy to us, but it was also extremely painful and messy. More so than I ever could’ve imagined. There’s a lot of Worthy’s story that we will never share outside of our family because it’s his story to tell and it’s up to us to be able to hold onto it with integrity until we’re able to give it to him.
Nothing prepared me for how deeply I would grieve the loss of his birth mom- for him mostly, but also for myself. Without going into details, right now that isn’t a possibility for us. It was unexpected and it hit hard. We were so fortunate to be able to spend some time with her at the hospital before this and I was able to hold her in my arms and look into the eyes (that look just like his eyes) of the brave and selfless woman who had just labored all through the night to bring our boy into the world.
I held a broken hearted mother in the same arms that just held our dream-come-true baby boy. In that moment I felt the full spectrum of emotions all at once and it was the most overwhelming thing I’ve ever experienced. As educated as I tried to be going into our adoption, that’s something you just can’t be prepared for.
I soon found out that there was a lot I wasn’t prepared for. No one can prepare you for the side of adoption that leaves you weeping on the hospital floor after leaving the room where your baby’s birth mother lays recovering alone. No one tells you that your newborn will stay wide-eyed for hours, looking all around the room, and restless because he wants the one that’s familiar to him. The voice he’s known and heard for 9 months.
But most of all no one can prepare you for the moment you’re handed a child that shares none of your DNA, and that’s not even legally your child yet, and you fall so deeply and instantaneously in love with them. That is the moment that makes all other moments worth it. But you can’t have one without the other. The trauma of loss comes with adoption. I will never forget or bury this loss. It’s something we will walk through as a family, answering every hard question, and honoring his story and his first mother everyday for the rest of our lives.
One thing I know for sure and have seen more clearly than ever before is that God is faithful and so good. But good does not mean easy, comfortable or safe. Thankfully, you don’t need all the answers to start the adoption process. Even up until the end of our journey, we couldn’t see the how, we just knew the “why” and kept pressing on and trusting God. We did a lot of things wrong and we were unsure of many things. But you just keep moving and trusting God each day with the little things. And now we’re here looking back at what looks like a tornado path of miracles cutting through every obstacle that seemed so big at the time.
God, we’re so in awe of your power and what you’re doing in our life and in Worthy’s life. Happy One Week, our Worthy boy! We adore you, son.