Infertility carries a grief of its own. The loss of the idea of what you always thought would be, holding hurt and disappointment in the body you were given. It can be a significant weight to carry when you can’t create life inside you. Infertility seems to be such a prominent issue for an increasing number of hopeful couples, and it can be a driving force to consider other options for growing a family.
After my first conversation with Lawrence and Alli, I remember feeling that grief. They had ventured down many of the avenues that infertility embraces. But even with all of the negative tests and losses, what I remember the most about our conversation wasn’t grief. I remember the hope that they clung to in their lowest moments. Alli and Lawrence had hope in their words as they asked questions and trusted in the process the Lord had led them to. Maybe it wasn’t what they had imagined as they walked their journey to becoming a family of three, but now, they look back and see the fulfillment of the promises the Lord had made to them in their wait. Their patience and endurance gifted them with a relationship with a woman who created a little girl they now have the privilege of calling theirs. Alli shares their story below.
Reflecting on the journey that brought us our daughter, I’m overwhelmed by the realization that she was always God’s answer for us. We experienced five years of infertility treatments before pursuing adoption. Over those years, we sought multiple opinions, and performed numerous tests and procedures, but never received answers to why I am unable to carry a pregnancy. Those years were filled with prayers that seemingly went unanswered, nights crying myself to sleep, and some days where I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed because the pain was too much. There were moments when I would plead to God to take my desire to be a mother and see my husband as a father away if it was not meant to be. But, time and time again, I would feel a sense of “just wait, just be patient,” and I held on to that. I knew something big was waiting for us, but I didn’t know when or how it would happen—until it did.
We contacted Christian Adoption Consultants when our infertility treatments were on hold. MacKenzie reached out to us immediately and answered our questions. After a lot of self-reflection and healing, in January 2022, we were ready to start with CAC and pursue adoption wholeheartedly. We got right to work with MacKenzie. We completed everything we needed to as fast as we could. With so much excitement for the next steps, we waited on the completion of our home study but were met with delays. I recall speaking with MacKenzie during that time with frustration, and she was so reassuring that timing was everything. Looking back now, I realize just how right she was.
In June of 2022, our home study was finally complete! We applied to many agencies immediately and began receiving situations soon after, and we would discuss them in depth. In doing so, we learned so much about our desires and preferences. One situation we presented to, but were not selected, led us to realize we wanted to apply to another agency we passed on originally. So, in late July, I reached out to MacKenzie, who helped us apply. We submitted everything to them on August 5th and were told it could take four weeks to be approved, so we were very surprised on August 10th when we received an email saying we were an active family with them. Just two days later, as I was packing up from work, my computer stalled, so as I waited, I pulled up that agency’s “available situations” page on my phone and was shocked to see that a situation had been posted that seemed to align with our wishes, and we excitedly decided to present.
On August 15th, I woke up to an email informing us we had not been selected by the expecting mother. The familiar feeling of discouragement came over me, and I almost closed the email too quickly. But there, in the next paragraph, it stated that there was a baby girl born the night before, and the expecting mother would be reviewing profiles that morning. I caught my husband just before he headed out the door. We reviewed the one-page summary about the expecting mother and this baby girl. There were so many unknowns, and we didn’t have much time to think about it or ask questions. However, what was presented were all things we had discussed in the numerous other situations we had reviewed. That day also happened to be my sister’s birthday, and the expecting had the same name as her. I took that as a sign, and we took a leap of faith and presented. As I sat at my desk that morning, my mind kept drifting to thoughts of that baby girl. I prayed for her and the expecting mama. I prayed that she would feel confident in her decision, and in those moments, I felt so much peace. On my lunch break, something told me to start gathering our home study documents. I even grabbed our suitcases—all the while telling myself not to get my hopes up.
But then, my phone rang, and a contact I had just added five days before when we became active with this agency displayed on my screen. This was it! We had been chosen, and we would need to be there before the end of the night! The rest of that day was a blur. We scrambled to get on a plane within hours and arrived at our destination in the middle of the night. We got off the plane to a text message saying the termination of parental rights had been signed and we would need to be at the hospital early that morning.
Nothing in the years leading up to that morning could have prepared us for the moment we met our daughter. The second we walked into her NICU room and saw her precious face, it was like all the weight and pain we had been carrying for years just disappeared. It was all for her—she was God’s promise to us. We were also blessed with being able to meet her Birth Mother. We were able to thank her for her strength and selflessness. We were able to see the love she holds for our daughter and hear about the life she wants her to have. We were blessed not only with our daughter but with the woman that gave her life’s start.
One thing I have come to realize through this incredible process is that everyone’s path to their child is different, but everyone ends up with the child meant to be theirs. We are not meant to know why some people have to struggle, but without our struggles, we wouldn’t have our daughter, and for that, I am so grateful. In those moments where you feel helpless, cling to hope—“the pain you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” I promise when you are on the other side and holding your child, it will all be worth it.