It was an honor to walk with Jamey and Sydnee through their adoption journey. When we first connected I remember Sydnee opening up about their long journey through infertility and loss. She shared her heart and about the journey that led them to this specific place and time. She also shared some of their fears with me about the adoption process, one of them being “too old” to be desirable to an expectant mother. As she was talking I remember thinking to myself, “I’m so glad that God connected my path to these amazing people and I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store for them.” Their journey through the adoption process wasn’t easy, but that same journey, the one with ups and downs, the one with disappointment, the one with waiting, led them to their daughter and I know they wouldn’t change a thing about it. Jamey and Sydnee, thank you for allowing me to walk with you through the adoption process. I am beyond amazed at the story God wrote for your family! Today Sydnee shares that story:
I had someone that has only talked to me a handful of times ask me, “what kept you from giving up?” I immediately started crying. She knew our story of adoption, but she didn’t know all of the years that preceded. When she asked me that simple question, my mind was flooded with all the trials and tribulations from many years before that led up to receiving our precious daughter. So many times I wanted to quit, but there was an internal fight that would not let me. I could write about my many years of struggling with severe depression and anxiety wondering if I would ever be a mother. I could write about my husband not wanting children and our journey to come together and grow. I could write about miscarriage and pregnancy loss, or I could write about years of fertility treatments. God brought us to Him and gave us the strength to traverse and overcome each trying situation so that we could eventually become parents.
Oh the waiting! That was always the hardest part of all the troubled waters we navigated. Waiting for God to work on me, on Jamey, and on us. Waiting to hear His answer. Waiting on the outcome so that I could keep going and keep fighting. Waiting on the next attempt at parenthood and starting the process all over again. It truly is God’s waiting room. We had to learn what to do and how to handle our time there. We had to grow and wait on His perfect timing. Meditation, prayer, and music were essential. These lyrics by Tenth Avenue North were comforting in the waiting –
As I walk this great unknown, Questions come and questions go, Was there purpose for the pain? Did I cry these tears in vain? I don’t want to live in fear, I want to trust that You are near, Trust Your grace can be seen, In both triumph and tragedy. I have this hope, In the depth of my soul, In the flood or the fire, You’re with me and You won’t let go.
When we decided it was time to give our all to adoption, I remember finding Christian Adoption Consultant’s website and calling from a conference room at work. Kelly answered and talked to me about CAC, her journey and listened to our story. Luckily, I had a handkerchief with me. I immediately knew that we needed to work with her and CAC! And, just to mention that I had already talked to 3 other consultant groups before talking to Kelly. Working with CAC and Kelly was the best decision we made! She guided us every step of the way, and prayed with us and for us! We’re beyond grateful for CAC and for all that Kelly did to help us find our way to our daughter!
Jamey was always on board with adoption, but he never wanted biological children. I always knew I wanted to adopt, but my dream was to have a biological child and adopt a child. It took a lot of work on our part and on God’s part for us to come together even after 20 years of marriage, but we did and are closer and stronger than ever before. When we started this journey, memories from my early childhood came back. I remember my mother telling me stories about when I would have a child, and I would correct her and tell her I wasn’t having children that I was going to adopt. We did end up trying everything possible to have a biological child but that was not God’s plan.
The song that helped during this time is by Lauren Daigle – Letting go of every single dream, I lay each one down at Your feet, Every moment of my wandering, Never changes what You see, I’ve tried to win this war, I confess, My hands are weary, I need Your rest, Mighty warrior, King of the fight, No matter what I face, You’re by my side. When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move, When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through, When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You, I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You.
The adoption journey is not an easy one, but every single time, God shows up and there is grace, mercy, and beauty beyond comprehension. We presented to expectant mothers several times and were not chosen, which was so hard. It was tempting to ask why, wondering what was wrong with us, but instead we would shift and pray for God’s will and trust in His plan and His timing. We presented to a situation where the baby was due in just 10 days and we were chosen. We were beyond excited and so hopeful! We met the expectant mother twice before her delivery and felt so purposefully connected to her. Since this was only a couple of hours from our home, we arrived at the hospital before this baby girl was born. We visited with the family and were so elated to meet and love on this sweet baby. We also spent the next day at the hospital. On the 3rd day, we arrived in the morning expecting to bring our baby girl home and we were asked to leave the hospital because the mother was struggling. We went to a park and prayed for help and guidance, until we received the call that the mother had decided to parent. Feeling completely devastated, we drove back to the hospital to give her the car seat, so that she could bring her baby home. We had to process this loss and grieve this baby girl. I do believe that this happened for a reason and that we played a part in this birth mother’s difficult decision. We immediately loved her unconditionally and continue to pray for her and her baby girl.
This song by Hillary Scott helped during this time – I believe that You are God alone, But sometimes I still try to take control, ‘Cause I get scared when I can’t see the end, And all You want from me is to let go. You’re parting waters, Making a rain for me, You’re moving mountains that I don’t even see, You’ve answered my prayer before I even speak, All You need for me to be is still.
Two and a half months later, we felt ready to present our profile and we were once again chosen. Though we were excited, we were cautious with our emotions. We spoke to the expectant mother on the phone and found out that it was going to be a baby boy. She went into labor about 3 weeks after we were matched, and we got the call to go home and pack since this was several states away. We waited to hear that we could head that way, and that call never came. The news we heard was that the baby was born and the mother was struggling with her decision. At the end of the week, we heard that she decided to parent. We had to pick ourselves up once again and find strength to keep going.
The song I listened to after this was by Danny Gokey – I’ve been running through rain, That I thought would never end, Trying to make it on faith, In a struggle against the wind, I’ve seen the dark and the broken places, But I know in my soul, No matter how bad it gets, I’ll be alright. There’s a hope in front of me, There’s a light, I still see it, There’s a hand still holding me, Even when I don’t believe it, I might be down but I’m not dead, There’s better days still up ahead, Even after all I’ve seen, There’s a hope in front of me.
I was finding it harder and harder to hold on to the fight, but God kept reminding us to not give up. On October 16, I was especially struggling, so I went to mass at Noon and prayed that if we were not meant to be parents, for God to please send me a clear sign because I was so tired. I went back to work and was headed to the gym that afternoon when I received a call from an agency. I was told that there was a baby girl born 2 days prior and that our profile was shown to the birth mother and father and that we were chosen! She said she needed to know right away because the baby could be discharged that day. We were on a plane the next morning! We had to pack, buy plane tickets, find a place to stay, and choose a name for our daughter! We met her on October 17 and left the hospital that day with her.
She was truly worth all that we went through! We stay in touch with our daughter’s birth parents and we love them so much! We got to meet them and visit with them a couple of months ago. During our visit we learned that my daughter, her birth mother, and my birthdays are all in October and my husband and our daughter’s birth father’s birthdays are in March. We are so thankful for an open adoption. God weaves the most beautiful tapestry of life for us.