Closure and loss impact us all differently. For me, an adoptee, loss is inextricably tied to my emotional volatility and ability to socially and emotionally function growing up. In my last blog, I discussed a situation where I acted out towards my mother, my primary caretaker in that season of life. However, after an intervention by my parents, my circumstances changed, leading to new opportunities. The structured environment provided a healthy transition for me by opening the door to other possibilities and relationships. However, consistent and long-term relationships were the most powerful factor in the healing journey. Although I was incredibly inconsistent and emotionally volatile, my parents never gave up on me.
Surrendering My Pain To God
In my faith journey, I experienced my breakthrough in college; I finally surrendered my pain to God. What do I mean by that? How do you “surrender your pain to God?” Be practical…
I gave up, and it was the best decision of my life.
To me, King David sums up his experience of surrender in a much more poetic way:
“I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax;
it is melted within my breast,
my strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to my jaws;
you lay me in the dust of death.
For dogs encompass me;
a company of evildoers encircles me;
they have pierced my hands and feet—
I can count all my bones—
they stare and gloat over me;
they divide my garments among them,
and for my clothing, they cast lots.
But you, O Lord, do not be far off!
O you my help, come quickly to my aid!
Deliver my soul from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dog!
Save me from the mouth of the lion!
You have rescued me from the horns of the wild oxen!
I will tell of your name to my brothers;
in the midst of the congregation, I will praise you:
You who fear the Lord, praise him!
All you offspring of Jacob, glorify him,
and stand in awe of him, all you offspring of Israel!
For he has not despised or abhorred
the affliction of the afflicted,
and he has not hidden his face from him,
but he heard when he cried to him.”
-Psalm 22:12, ESV
Loss & Closure In Adoption
Wow, now King David knew loss. Not adoption loss, of course, but loss nonetheless. Of course, we could dig deeper into what spurred King David to reach the point of exasperation, but the bottom line is that loss is challenging, and King David is so honest with it. Closure is necessary; it helps to ensure that everyone involved in the adoption can move forward healthily and positively. This is true for those in the adoption triad, those waiting to adopt, or those who have experienced a failed adoption. Loss is loss, and there are levels to this! Thankfully, closure can be achieved through counseling, support groups, accessing your adoption educational resources through Christian Adoption Consultants, prayer, time, and open adoption. Adoption reunions are becoming increasingly common and can be a powerful way for adoptees to gain closure. This was true for me later in life. Regardless of how closure is achieved, closure in adoption is an essential part of the process for all involved. It wasn’t until I found peace in Christ that I could begin to lose the power that loss had over my life.
Hanging Onto The Promises Of God
Not everyone will find peace in Christ, but that doesn’t mean closure is only attainable for a select few. In my next blog, I want to discuss how my experiences later in life helped me to lose the grip of loss and bridge the gap between layers of separation. There were also a few happy distractions that have made my adoption journey a very fulfilling one.
Don’t know what to do? Hang onto the promises of God!
“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16 (ESV)
If you are experiencing loss or pulling your hair out while trying to put your best foot forward as a caregiver to somebody in the triad, remember you are still learning. Have grace on yourself, show up, and take one step at a time. Until next month, be hopeful and stay tuned!
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Identity & Belonging From An Adoptee Perspective: Part 2
FAQ: Adoptee Perspective
Questions To Consider When Adopting Transracially
Adoption, Loss & Closure: A Transracial Adoptee Perspective (Part 1)