Adoption after Infertility

This evening I was mulling over a question that a couple considering adoption just asked me (actually, it was the husband, with tears in his voice).

He spent a few minutes in a preamble to the question, apologizing if it was too personal (while I was bracing myself for something really over the top).

But the question was totally normal and natural. “Will I love a baby through adoption as much as one biologically?”

“Yes, yes.” I told him, “once that little nugget is in your arms, you’d die for him or her. I promise.”

But.

First.

You have to see the bigger picture. And, it’s not all about you, although you are an important part of this equation.

1. Just like you had no control over your infertility diagnosis and treatments, this little guy didn’t have any choice over his or her beginnings.

2. You and your spouse are a family. Just the two of you. You have to be ok if it’s just the two of you. It will be OK and you will have a happy life, no matter what.

3. A baby alone — whether biological or through adoption — won’t make you happy.

4. Even biological parents struggle with post-partum depression. Even the bio connection doesn’t mean a “perfect connection” right away. You need to focus on bonding and attachment as much as possible.

5. Throughout it all, you have to trust in a higher plan. As I told another adoptive couple and friend recently, from the beginning of time, The Lord knew this baby would be your family. The baby who joins your family was meant to be.

And there’s more…

I am mulling over parts 6-10. Or the parts that go from here to infinity.(The infinity being how much we love our kids)

For the mamas and papas who have adopted after infertility, what were your turning points?

For those who adopted before or after having adopted, what are your observations?

And for all in this sphere, what are your “go to” resources? I have my own favorites, but I want to hear from you.

Thank you,