CAC Adoption Advocate & Birth Mother Karen has been on the CAC team since 2019 and we are so grateful for the perspective she brings! Tonight we have the honor of sharing a letter she wrote to her son. She placed him for adoption 29 years ago when she was 16 years old. She never had the opportunity to hold him or say good-bye, but she has hope that she will meet him one day.
To My Dearest Son,
I honestly do not know where to begin, but I am hopeful that you will one day discover this letter is for you. I yearn for the day I get to meet you face to face. Too many years have gone by from the day you were born in December of 1992 in Louisville, Kentucky. I know we won’t get those years back, but I do know that I look forward to meeting you, catching up and sharing our stories of where our life journeys have taken us.
Son, I want you to know that I was not in a healthy relationship nor was I old enough to parent you at the young age of 16. I was still a child myself and living in a dysfunctional family situation. When I found out about my pregnancy, I had to turn around and make a quick decision: place you for adoption, or parent. As a naïve 16-year-old with very little support from my parents, I had to grow up quickly and make the best decision for you. I wanted you to be raised in a healthy Christian family that would give you the attention and love you so deserved. After all, you are a Child of God!
After labor was induced and you were born, all I remember hearing is your gentle cries. Those first cries have stayed with me all these years. In fact, it’s the one memory I hold close to my heart. The nurses were instructed to transfer you out of the room immediately and I was not supposed to know of your sex–as my parents believed that information would be too hard for me to carry. Well, there was some miscommunication and one nurse blurted out, “It’s a healthy boy!” They began taking your measurements as they placed you in the incubator. It was not moments later that you were wheeled out of the room and I was left in total silence. I felt empty with raw emotions taking over my body. I had no support from anyone–that I can recall–on that day after you left the room. I felt numb, heartbroken, and disoriented for several days after returning home. I did not have a true understanding of what just happened. No one in my family spoke about the adoption that took place from that hospital room ever again. It was a family secret. I chose to bury it all deep in my soul and just hold on to my love for you there–all by myself. Honestly, I returned to school in January, despite feeling like I lost a piece of me. But I managed to move on and carry the loss, the hurt, and the love for you for 15+ years. It was not until I met my husband in 2006 and married in 2008 that my search for you began. My husband has accepted me and all my past, like a grain of salt, and continues to walk through the ups and downs with me every single day. God truly blessed me with him.
So I began searching my soul and longing for you, praying and worshipping God to show me a path to be led to you. I have stumbled down this path for many years now. I feel myself getting one step closer to finding you each time I pray, worship, search records, have conversations, share my story with family and friends, or just sit and ponder.
I have never stopped loving you from the day you were first born. I yearn to find you and know you and your story. I have prayed that your adoptive parents have shared that you are indeed adopted, as well as anything they may know about me. I want to know what state you grew up in and what states you may have visited or vacationed? Do you have siblings? Did you have pets? What do you like to do in your free time? What is your career? Do you have a family now? The list can go on forever. But the desire of my heart is to know that you were cared for, loved unconditionally and accepted into the adoptive family I chose for you.
This closed adoption is crippling to me. Honestly, if I would have been educated on the adoption triad, with family support, and been prepared for the outcome of a broken heart, I might have discovered a different path. I would have most likely asked for updates, further connection and to stay in touch with your adopted family. Unfortunately, I was a minor under my parents’ authority to NOT have any connection and just wipe the experience under the rug. This is NOT okay in my soul. This is why I am here today to share my story, educate others, and bring light to all aspects of the adoption triad.
Yes, son, I am your birthmother. But I’m also a mother to a 10-year-old son and an adoptive mother to a 4-year-old son. I would love for you to be able to meet them one day along with my husband. We are your additional family.
My daily prayer is that our paths will collide and connect very soon! I am so looking forward to that day! You are truly in my heart forever. Until next time….
Karen (your birth mom)